Toxic Relationships

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

Country living has its pluses and minuses. Our first country home came complete with several pluses and a septic tank and a well. One spring day I caught the familiar smell of "sewer gas". Several days later, the odor returned accompanied by liquid covering the septic tank lid. A few weeks later I flushed the toilet and it came up in the bathtub. My concern was that the septic system would back up into the 25 feet deep “point well” and make it toxic. Unfortunately, this is a similar process to what happens in marriage. Problems that do not get resolved store up and infect the good aspects of a relationship. Unresolved anger can lead to resentment that can lead to bitterness. What are the signs of this progression polluting the life giving "well" of marriage?

The first sign is when we name call, blame each other, or judge one another. This becomes evident through using labels like "you’re just like your father or mother... you always say things are going to get better... you never give me compliments." These can be strong forms of invalidation that question our integrity and character. Statements like "you're a slob" rather than "It bothers me when you throw your socks on the floor at night and do not pick them up" only leads to further anger and defensiveness.

The second is making a mountain out of a molehill. When the behavior pattern of the other is so frustrating that we tend to say things like, "you never help around the house... you never initiate asking me out on a date, I always have to do all the planning... you always want to spend time with your friends, but never want to spend time with me." Communication between couples at this level is emotionally loaded and is likely to lead to more escalation and quarreling.

A married couple is a team and even though some problems in marriage are due to one or the other of us, we each have responsibility in the marital problems we face. All couples need to be able to protect their relationship from the "negative" and express concerns and issues constructively. Here are a few suggestions in protecting the "well" of marriage. Be respectful, constructive, and polite. It is sad, but true that we are least polite with those we know best. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Seek to keep in mind the bigger picture of your relationship and what you do appreciate about each other.

How far is your septic tank from your well? We are the ones who have to abide in and enforce our own relationship codes to protect ourselves from a toxic relationship.