The Art of Biting your Tongue

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

The other day, as I was eating, I bit my tongue. It has been awhile since I had done this, but the pain immediately identified the problem. Did you know that biting your tongue is a developed skill? I’m not referring to chewing our food, but rather the art of keeping our mouths shut and biting our tongue when we get angry. When we do, it reminds us to keep our cool when we feel like chewing up someone else. This art leads us to stop and think which can lead us to slow down our feelings and behaviors. It helps us stay in control of our anger.

Anger can be an automatic response to a particular thought or theme in our lives. Some men get angry when their children do not respect them or their mother. Some women get angry when they don’t feel repeatedly cared about by their families. Some adolescents get angry when adults don’t listen to them and when their integrity is questioned.

So what are the skills to the art of biting our tongue? There are several to assist us in keeping our anger from becoming infectious and destructive. The main skill in all these six suggestions is to interrupt our anger. Interruptions act like mini "time-outs" allowing us to keep a cool and objective perspective.

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1. Try to listen and understand first before reacting out of emotion. When we feel validated and cared about, we are less likely to escalate.
2. When we feel ourselves getting "hot", slow down and take a time-out. If we practice this skill, we will be responsible for calling a "time-in" within 24 hours to seek resolution.
3. Put the "stop/think" approach in place. When you feel yourself getting angry, say to yourself, "Stop" and take a few minutes to "Think" about the situation. As important as feelings are; feelings don’t always equal facts.
4. Be aware that everybody isn’t out to mistreat you. Give others the benefit of the doubt. They may be having a bad day.
5. Reduce or eliminate your use of stimulating substances like alcohol, caffeine, and chocolate. These and other substances contribute to increased escalation with intense irritability and anger as one continues their out of control reactions.
6. Interrupt the anger with a behavior like a bike ride or walk. Physical exercise drains off the energy of intense emotions.

The skill and art of biting one's tongue before we say and do something regrettable is learned. It helps us think about the consequences before we get angry and make things worse. Remember, when it comes to anger and getting angry, more emotion does not make the situation better.