Deflecting Conflict and Insults

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

Conflict is inevitable, but when you are caught off guard by a verbal side swipe, wounds can cut especially deep. Rude remarks may come from misguided efforts to enhance self-esteem by making others look bad. It may be a cry for attention, or generalized anger that is taken out on the nearest person, or it might be impossible demands for perfection and control. Attempts to understand others and requests for change may do little to stop these statements. When dealing with such potshots, it is necessary to take communication to a place where few people have traveled before—to learn a verbal karate that can neutralize the worst insult. Instead of responding to a verbal attack with an anticipated retaliation, defense, or withdrawal, a technique of deflecting conflict and insults gives you at least 7 ways to turn insults inside out.

Change put-downs into put-ups and act as if nothing offensive is happening. This is based on the idea that it is worse to take offense than to give offense. Meanness can be turned into kindness when you:

1. Agree in fact, in theory, or hypothetically to stop power struggles.
2. Give compliments to make it difficult for someone to continue being rude.
3. Act as if you’ve been complimented: "Thank you. What a sweet thing to say."
4. Find golden nuggets or some actual truth in the worst insult: "Thanks for trying so hard to help me. I know I could (possibly) be more . . ."
5. Dramatize the very insult that has been given: "Am I really a baby (whining)?"
6. Use a mean tone to say something harmless with a tone twister that releases frustration and adds confusion: "Your opinion is none of my business!"
7. Use reverse psychology to encourage people to change their course: "That was quite a put-down. Let’s see what you can do with the zit on my nose or the scab on my ankle."

Intimidators need to be encouraged to focus their attention inward instead of blaming or ridiculing. This is essential when cutting remarks are an expression of anger. In moments of confusion, people can be redirected to change negative habits.

Deflecting conflicts and insults exercises your mind and can be more fun than simply ignoring nasty comments. Children are often advised not to pay attention to bullies. Standing up for yourself by making requests of people with whom you are not in a relationship can inspire them to do the opposite. Deflecting conflicts and insults adds considerable variety to your repertoire of verbal skills. Any comment that takes tension out of the air is sure to be beneficial. Blaming, sarcasm, complaining, and advice giving can perpetuate a vicious cycle. However, through deflecting, you can bring random acts of kindness into the very center of cruelty.