Coping with Loneliness

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

During the 17th century, the English writer John Donne wrote of the condition of loneliness. "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main .... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." Regarding the fear of loneliness, Norman Cousins, in his essay Modern Man is Obsolete, wrote: "All man's history is an endeavor to shatter his loneliness." Billy Graham was more recently quoted on the pervasive nature of loneliness as saying, "Loneliness is the greatest social problem in America."

Loneliness is no respecter of persons. Loneliness plagues us all and is a sad or dejected feeling which results from a lack of companionship or from being separated from others. This feeling or condition signifies a void in our lives which we have learned to fill through people, substances, classes, religion, things, toys, etc., but all to no avail. Sometimes marriage can be the loneliest place in the world. What we don’t realize is that having another child, being remarried again, buying another house, car, or boat is not the answer to filling the void for long. If this is true, what are some of the reasons people are lonely?

The first is fear of rejection. Because we have experienced disapproval and felt hurt, we throw up our defenses against trying again. We don’t want to experience the pain again so we isolate ourselves and become onlookers. The second is shyness. Because we may be introverted and timid or bashful, we avoid social situations and meeting people. Even when we find ourselves with friends, we are afraid of being vulnerable with our lives.

In summary, I suggest the following seven practical steps to coping with loneliness.

1. Live in a way which makes us proud of ourselves. Do things which create self-respect.
2. Reach out to help others who are in need. The person who reaches out to someone else is often the one most helped.
3. Become genuinely interest in other people. A person’s name is to them the sweetest sound. Let others talk about themselves.
4. Form relationships with people who make us feel worthwhile.
5. Form reasonable expectations of ourselves and others.
6. Learn to take some risks again.
7. Look for common interests with others.

Taking practical steps to cope with loneliness may be easier than we think. In any event, we may seek to fill the lonesome void in our lives with someone or something. Rather than doing it in an unhealthy manner, I suggest we seek to understand our real need and cure loneliness with honest evaluation and intentional relationships.