Choosing Your Perspective in Marriage

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

It has been said that happiness is a choice and that marital satisfaction is also a choice. It is all in how you look at it. Marriage is a long-term investment. It is not unlike the Stock Market. We can choose to take the long, planned, and intentional view of our investments based on advice and confidence, or the short, reactive, situational view based on fear, anxiety, and panic.

Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle; you get 1000 pieces in a box, but unless you look at the picture on the cover, the puzzle takes a long time to complete through trial and error. Following a plan of what you want the picture to look like makes the process more intentional and successful. The trial and error approach can be frustrating as we sort the pieces until the puzzle sits there collecting dust. Here is how some couples have allowed the strengths of their relationship to become weakness. It is all in how you look at it.

She married him because he was such a "dominating man"; she is now upset with him because he is such a "domineering male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite"; he is distressed with her because she is so "weak and helpless."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother"; he is frustrated with her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living"; she is distressed with him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "we were childhood sweethearts"; he is frustrated with her because "we were both just children when we got married."

She married him because he was "cheerful and romantic"; she is upset with him because he is "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible"; he is frustrated with her because she is "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "sweet and attentive"; she is distressed with him because he is "spineless and indecisive."

He married her because she was "such a beauty"; he is upset with her because "all she thinks of are her looks."

She married him because he was so "intelligent and witty”; she is frustrated with him because he is so "critical and wisecracking."

He married her because "we have such a great sexual attraction for each other"; he is distressed with her because "we have nothing in common any more."

She married him because he was the "life of the party"; she is upset with him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

He married her because "she's so neat and efficient"; he is distressed with her because "she thinks more of the furniture and the food than she does of me."

She married him because "we have such great talks together"; she is upset with him because "he never listens when I tell him anything."

He married her because "she has such a gentle nature"; he is frustrated with her because "she doesn’t know how to discipline the children."

He married her because "she was so crazy about me"; he is distressed with her because "she is so insanely jealous."

Adapted from "Antics with Semantics on Marriage" by Sydney J. Harris

The power in our perspective is our ability to see what we want to see thereby confirming our hopes, fears, or frustrations versus spending time listening and understanding the reality of our partner. Choose to keep your focus on the picture of your relationship which you are seeking to create. Invest in the long term and the strengths of your partner. It is all in how choose you look at it.