Looking for the Perfect Friend

By Daniel W. Trathen, D. Min. Ph. D.

Robert Lewis Stevenson wrote, "All men have their frailties, and whoever looks for a friend without imperfection will never find what he seeks." All of us have a variety of expectations for friendship. We all have an "internal measuring stick" whereby we compare and contrast one with another. Establishing a lasting friendship necessitates that we take a close look at our biggest frailty - unrealistic expectations of perfection.

Sometimes those unrealistic expectations are a real stumbling block to forming friendships. Establishing a friendship is an important process that cannot withstand a lot of inconsistency and change. If we seek to begin a friendship without giving ourselves to it, we may appear to be "all take and no give". We might only want a relationship for how it will make us feel or look, but then we may end up with nothing but loneliness.

Nobody wants "fair weather friends." Fair weather friends are like our shadow. As long as there is sunshine, they stick close by, but the minute we step into the shade, they disappear. We need true or "foul weather friends" who love us regardless of circumstances and seek to cultivate mutual acceptance and respect. Mary Hughes is quoted as saying, "A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world has gone out." Here are some practical suggestions to help establish such a meaningful and lasting relationship.

1. Accept your friend as they are
   
2. Listen attentively and with interest to what your friend is saying
   
3. Express approval and give compliments when they are due
   
4. Be sensitive to your friend's needs and where you can help
   
5. Include your friend in some of your activities
   
6. Invest yourself through expressing your own feelings
   
7. Allow your friend to give to you and do things for you
   
8. Accept your friend as they are without trying to change or reform them

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "God evidently does not intend us all to be rich, or powerful, or great, but he does intend us all to be friends." Being a friend means that you commit yourself to a growing, two-way relationship. It is through transparent, honest, open, trusting, and vulnerable relationships that we develop friendships. George Eliot once wrote, "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." Once we have experienced such a person, there is no need to continue looking for the perfect friend.