Healing the Pain of Loss

Very few of us have never been personally affected by losing a loved one or who can’t remember exactly where we were when we got the news that a famous person or a loved one had passed away.  Grief is a normal, natural, and appropriate response to loss. There surely is a time to grieve.

The grieving process occurs whenever we lose something that we valued . . . someone or something significant. The community I live in, for example, has been deeply affected by an automobile accident recently and the loss of both adolescents and a father and grandparent. There is little doubt that such tragedies have deeply affected hundreds directly and thousands indirectly.

The work of grieving entails coping not only with the actual loss, but also with the hopes, dreams, wishes, unfulfilled expectations, feelings and needs experienced for the person we have lost. Grieving is an integral part of the process and experience of life.

The five stages of grieving made famous by Kubler-Ross act as guidelines for understanding the pain of grief:

Denial: Feelings of shock, numbness, disbelief, or resisting belief in reality. These can be non-deliberate and even autonomic happenings in the body and mind. Denial, for a short period, is normal and healthy,

Anger: It mvariousay be loud and dramatic or quiet and subtle, but it needs to be expressed!  Anger does not have to be logical or justified and may be focused in a variety of different directions.

Bargaining/Bartering: This involves asking ourselves questions such as “Why didn’t  I…” “If only I...” “I should have…” and can be associated with feelings of guilt.

Depression: This is the stage where we experience sadness, crying, hurt, and emotional pain. It may also involve physical discomforts such as heaviness, fatigue, and/or sleeplessness.

Acceptance: Here, we find readjustment, resolution and forgiveness. We have arrived at the point of being able to enjoy fond or happy memories, without having these memories lead to painful feelings of loss, guilt, regret or remorse. The final stage is typified by a feeling of freedom, acceptance and new meaning in life.

I specifically remember where I was when I received the shocking news that each of my parents had passed.  I clearly remember the “picture” of where I was and how I felt, but now it is only one picture in an album of our life together.  Grief is a spiral of feelings, seasons and experiences.  It is not a straight line with a beginning and ending.  The process itself heals the pain of loss and keeps treasured memories and love within our hearts and lives.

May the God of all comfort provide us with His presence and healing as we walk this journey together.

© Daniel W. Trathen