Managing Difficult Life Transitions

Life is a process of beginnings and endings. In both life and nature, there are times when things move slowly and don’t seem to change very much. Then, suddenly, things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as the changing seasons.

Life transitions are challenging because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future with a feeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a string of losses:

•  The loss of a role

•  The loss of a person

•  The loss of a place

•  The loss of your sense of where you fit in the world

Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious, especially when the future has more questions than answers. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when disruption comes into our lives. On the positive side, these transitions allow us to learn about our strengths and explore what we want out of life. This time of reflection can result in the sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.

A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning and may be pretty dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or severe illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us completely unprepared, and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.

Examples of Life Transitions

Life transitions can include any of the following:

•  Accidents

•  Buying a house

•  Changing jobs

•  Divorce

•  Getting married

•  Having a baby

•  Leaving for college

•  Relocation

•  Retirement

•  Selling a house

•  Serious illness

•  Significant loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)

•  Starting a career

Stages of Life Transitions

Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:

1.  Experience various negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).

2.  Feel a loss of self-esteem.

3.  Begin to accept the change.

4.  Acknowledge that you must let go of the past and accept the future.

5.  Begin to feel hopeful about the future.

6.  Feel increased self-esteem.

7.  Develop an optimistic view of the future.

Moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process differently, often cycling back and forth between the stages.

Coping Skills

Life transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side, too. They allow us to assess the direction our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.

Accept that change is a normal part of life. People with this attitude seem to have the easiest time transitioning while seeing changes as negative or avoidable experiences, tends to make them more challenging to navigate and less personally productive.

Identify your values and life goals. If people know who they are and what they want from life, they may see the change as just another life challenge. These people are willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame others for the changes that come along without warning.

Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it’s normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.

Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do some critical self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: to know more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Don’t be in a rush. When disruption enters your life, adjusting to the new reality takes time. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon before you can reflect and think about what is best for you.

Expect to feel uncomfortable. A time of transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.

Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.

Take good care of yourself. Transitions are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.

Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you, and encourage you to express your true feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek the support of a mental health professional. They can guide you through the transition process in a safe and supportive environment.

Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can’t bear to say goodbye? Or do you drag them out because you have difficulty letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.

Keep some things consistent. When you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as much of your daily routine as consistent as you can.

Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid, which makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity will return.

Take one step at a time. It’s understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. Find one small thing you can control right now to regain a sense of power. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.

Times of life transitions allow you to explore how your ideal life would look. When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams you once had but perhaps forgot. Take this time to write about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or therapist. Now is an excellent time to take advantage of the fork in the road.

© Dr. Dan Trathen