Caring For The Caregiver

Caring for loved ones who are ill, elderly, or disabled is something very few people know how to do; even fewer want to do it. The relationship's success between you and your loved one depends on several factors. One of the most important is how well you care for yourself, empowering yourself to be there for the person you care for. Let's look first at what causes stress in such a relationship, and then we will explore some ways to care for yourself as you care for another.

Sources of Stress

Caring for someone who is sick or disabled causes tremendous stress. This stress comes from several directions, each affecting the caregiver differently. The following are the primary sources of such stress:

1. Being far away: In most families, people are spread nationwide and are not always available to help care for a sick or older adult. This absence stresses the person nearby, who often must contribute the most in time and money toward the patient's care. The out-of-towners may not realize how much time and money the person close at hand is devoting to the care of their family member.

2. Financial stress is inevitable when someone requires extreme care. For example:

a. Many caregivers spend their money to cover expenses not covered by insurance or Medicare.

b. The family members who are less involved may not realize how expensive certain items are and may even resist helping to pay for them.

c. The primary caregiver may have to work fewer hours or find less demanding work (which may pay less money). Many caregivers have to stop working entirely to care for the patient.

3. Cultural expectations: Some cultures expect daughters to care for their parents; in others, placing relatives in nursing homes is unacceptable.

4. Relationship stress: Besides financial stress, these factors greatly stress relationships among family members, which can lead to additional problems if it is not openly discussed and resolved.

5. Physical stress: Caring for an ailing person can be challenging. Activities like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and shopping can be exhausting, significantly when someone adds them to the responsibilities of their own life.

6. Home alterations: If the patient continues to live at home, you may need to make alterations such as building ramps or railings. Everyone in the house will have to adjust.

7. Social stress: Providing personal care 24 hours a day can cut off the primary caregiver from family and friends. You may be too tired to have an evening out, or you may not have anyone else to take over, making you feel angry and resentful toward the person you are caring for.

8. Emotional stress: As a result of these stresses, it is not unusual to feel a range of emotions, including anger, resentment, anxiety, frustration, sadness, and guilt. These negative emotions may conflict with the love you feel for your family member and the satisfaction you feel from contributing to the quality of their life.

With all these kinds of stress, it is unsurprising that many caregivers become overwhelmed and feel burned out.

Signs That a Caregiver Needs Help

How do you know if the stress is becoming too much for you? The following is a list of signs that you need help with. Take a moment to look through these and identify those new problems for you or potential issues.

1. You don't get out much anymore.

2. You argue with the person you care for.

3. You have conflicts with other family members.

4. You abuse drugs, alcohol, or medications.

5. Your appetite has changed.

6. You isolate yourself from others.

7. You behave compulsively or are overly focused on minor details.

8. You feel listless; you lack energy.

9. You feel more angry, anxious, or worried than usual.

10. You have a difficult time controlling your emotions.

11. You have a hard time concentrating.

12. You have physical anxiety symptoms, such as an upset stomach, headaches, or a racing heart.

13. You often forget things.

14. You are clumsy or accident-prone.

15. You have self-destructive or suicidal thoughts.

16. You sleep more or less than usual.

17. You never seem to get enough rest.

18. You feel guilty about your situation.

Caregiver Survival Tips

1. Find out about resources before you need them. For example, don't delay researching nursing homes until the patient needs one.

2. Seek all the support you can find. Look for groups, individuals, and organizations that provide emotional, social, physical, and financial support.

3. Ask your family and friends for help. They may be able to provide you with time, knowledge, or money.

4. Investigate adult daycare facilities. They offer therapeutic, rehabilitative, and support services such as nursing, social work services, meals, or transportation.

5. Consider having meals delivered. Many organizations provide nutritional programs.

6. Consider hiring a home health aide. Aides can provide personal care at home, such as help with eating, dressing, oral hygiene, bathing, administering medication, and light household tasks.

7. Find out about homemaker services. These services can assist with shopping, laundry, housecleaning, preparing meals, and taking clients to medical appointments.

8. Look into the offerings of hospital and surgical supply services. They rent or sell medical supplies and equipment like hospital beds, canes, walkers, bath chairs, oxygen, and other equipment.

9. Check out respite care services. They provide relief to caregivers.

10. Look into social daycare that provides recreational activities, social work services, hot meals, transportation, and health services.

11. Find out about transportation services. They provide transportation to and from medical appointments or other care services.

12. Find out about skilled nursing services. They offer professional help with specific medical problems.

13. Maintain your interests. Keep balance in your life.

14. Be realistic about what you can accomplish. Recognize what you can and cannot do.

15. Maintain communication with your family and friends. When tensions and misunderstandings develop (and they will), address them quickly.

16. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, rest, and take time off.

© Daniel W. Trathen Ph.D.