Coping With Anger

Anger is the most common yet the most mysterious of emotions for us to manage and overcome. You don't have to go far before seeing someone displaying it or you see or experience the effects of anger in your everyday life. As work gets more stressful and more families have several people working out of the home, there is less time to recoup and relax. Many aspects of life demand more time, but our days or energy levels don't increase. Everyone seems to be on the fast track, and many have shorter and shorter fuses. It makes sense that our frustration levels are higher, but what are we doing to understand, manage and control this energizing yet potentially dangerous emotion?

First, let's get a sense of what "Anger" is before we discuss how to manage it more effectively. Not unlike other feelings, anger has physical components. Have others told you that your face was strained or red when you were angry? You may not have noticed that your blood pressure was increasing.  How about couples or parents who get mad at each other or their children, and their voice gets louder or very soft depending on their personality. When people get angry, they experience an increase in energy and usually express their anger. It has been drummed into our heads, "when you drink, don't drive," but we also need to realize that when we are angry, we shouldn't drive or seek to resolve disagreements. Increased levels of anger can interfere with sound judgment and contribute to escalating emotions or even physical violence. This increased energy behind the wheel of a car or in disagreements is dangerous. Contrary to what we may tell ourselves, we are not in control of our emotions when they are in control of us. 

Secondly, anger is comprised of other emotions. For instance, when your kids are loud and running around the house after you've had a hard day at the office, you may be frustrated with the lack of quiet and respond with an angry look or tone of voice. If your husband or wife is driving and the car drifts into another lane, you may yell at them out of fear of getting in an accident. Or, you may have been hurt by a friend or parent and responded angrily. Some professionals believe that anger is a secondary emotion and it is a composite of more primary emotions like frustration, fear, and hurt. Our anger response is a developed pattern that can be changed as we focus more on the immediate feelings. Contrary to popular opinion, free expression or venting of anger doesn't help us or others.

Thirdly, anger can be an automatic response to a particular thought or theme in our lives. Some men get angry when their children do not respect them or their mother. We have all seen drivers challenge another car when they get cut off in traffic. How about the parents of teenagers who get consistently angry when their adolescent doesn't keep their room clean. Some get angry when others challenge their authority. Anger can be an automatic reflex to our thinking and our issues.

So what can we do to control our anger so it doesn't control us? We can all put several things in place to assist us and keep our anger from becoming destructive. The main point of all these is to interrupt the anger by seeking to communicate primary feelings, 

·  Seek to listen and understand first before responding out of emotion. Focus on de-escalating your feelings or the situation.

  ·  When we feel ourselves getting hot, consciously tell ourselves to slow down and take a "time-out." If the conflict is essential, make time to resolve it later.

·  Seek to slow down and put the stop/think approach in place. When you feel angry, say to yourself, "Stop." Then take a few minutes to reason with yourself about the situation.

·  Be aware that not everybody is out to mistreat you.

·  Reduce -- or eliminate -- the level of substances that can stimulate you (alcohol, caffeine, chocolate).

·  Use a mild exercise program to reduce the physical aspects of the anger (take a walk, go for a bike ride, etc.).

·  Attend a stress reduction seminar to learn new techniques for coping with anger.

·  Make an appointment with a mental professional to discuss more appropriate ways of coping with your anger.

The key is distracting the emotion long enough to regain control of your senses and to put stress reduction tools like regular exercise to help manage ourselves for the times we might be tempted to respond with anger. I was graphically reminded of this principle several years ago while visiting a relative who raised hogs. He had over 700 head of hogs, and we were standing near the pens where he fed them. We were interrupted by an extremely loud squealing from the pens as we were talking. He motioned to me, and we ran over to them. I watched as he hopped into the enclosure where two pigs were eating each other's ears. He shoved a board between them so they could not see one another, counted to 10, removed the board, and got out of the pen. As we continued our discussion, he told me that pigs would forget they were angry with one another if they couldn't see each other for a few seconds. I coined this "the pig board "approach and recommend it to get distance between anger and the situation or person until it de-escalates and cooler heads prevail.

© Daniel W. Trathen Ph.D.