Coping With Loneliness

During the 17th century, the English writer John Donne wrote about the condition of loneliness. “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main .... Any man’s death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”  Regarding the fear of loneliness, Norman Cousins, in his essay Modern Man is Obsolete, wrote: “All man’s history is an endeavor to shatter his loneliness.”  Billy Graham commented on the pervasive nature of loneliness by saying, “Loneliness is the greatest social problem in America.”

Loneliness is no respecter of persons. Loneliness plagues us all and is a sad or gloomy feeling resulting from a lack of companionship or separation from others. This feeling or condition signifies a void in our lives that we have learned to fill through people, substances, classes, religion, things, toys, etc., but all to no avail. Sometimes marriage can be the loneliest place in the world. We don’t realize that having another child, getting remarried again, and buying another house, car, or boat is not the answer to filling the void for long. If this is true, what are some of the reasons people are lonely?  

The first is fear of rejection. Because we have experienced disapproval and felt hurt, we throw up our defenses against trusting or trying again. We don’t want to experience the pain again, so we isolate ourselves and become onlookers. The second is shyness. Because we may be introverted, timid, or bashful, we avoid social situations and meeting people. Even when we find ourselves with friends, we are afraid of being vulnerable in our lives.  

In summary, I suggest the following seven practical steps to coping with loneliness.

1. Live in a way that makes us proud of ourselves. Do things that create self-respect.

2. Reach out to help others who are in need. The person who reaches out to someone else is often the one most helped.

3. Become genuinely interested in other people. A person’s name is, to them, the sweetest sound. Let others talk about themselves.

4. Form relationships with people who make us feel worthwhile.

5. Form reasonable expectations of ourselves and others.

6. Learn to take some risks again.

7. Look for common interests with others.

Taking practical steps to cope with loneliness may be easier than we think. In any event, we may seek to fill the lonesome void in our lives with someone or something. Rather than doing it unhealthy, I suggest we seek to understand our absolute needs and cure loneliness with an honest evaluation and intentional relationships.

© Daniel W. Trathen Ph.D.