Deflecting conflicts and insults

STEP 1: Learn verbal jujitsu. 

Conflict is inevitable, but when caught off-guard by a verbal sideswipe, wounds can cut especially deep. 

At times, a person’s discourteousness might be the result of a misguided effort to enhance their self-esteem by way of making others look bad. Rude remarks may be a cry for attention or generalized anger being taken out on the nearest person, or they might simply stem from impossible demands for perfection and control. When dealing with such verbal “potshots,” it is necessary to take communication to a place few people have visited before to learn a form of verbal jujitsu that can neutralize even the worst insult. 

Learning to deflect insults (as opposed to responding in a purely reactionary way) exercises your mind and can also be more fun than simply ignoring nasty comments. As children, we are often advised not to pay attention to bullies since standing up for yourself by making requests of people with whom you are not in a relationship can inspire them to behave oppositionally. However, Instead of responding to a verbal attack with a retaliation, defense, or withdrawal, learning to deflect conflicts and insults adds considerable variety to your repertoire of verbal skills. It gives you at least seven ways to turn insults inside out.

Step 2 Change “Put-Downs” to “Put-Ups”

This approach is based on the idea that it is worse to take offense than to give offense. Act as if nothing offensive is happening. Meanness can be turned into kindness when you:

1. Agree in fact, in theory, or hypothetically in order to stop power struggles with a partner. 

2. Give compliments to make it difficult for someone to continue being rude.

3. Act as if you’ve been complimented: “Thank you. What a sweet thing to say.”

4. Find golden nuggets or some actual truth in the worst insult: “Thanks for trying so hard to help me. I know I could (possibly) be more . . .”

5. Dramatize the very insult that has been given: “Am I really a baby (whining)?”

6. Use a mean tone to say something harmless that releases frustration and adds confusion: “Your opinion is none of my business!”

7. Use reverse psychology to encourage people to change their course: “That was quite a put-down. Let’s see what you can do with the zit on my nose or the scab on my ankle.”

Step 3: Bring Kindness into Cruelty

Intimidators need to be encouraged to focus their attention inward rather than blaming or ridiculing. This is essential when cutting remarks are an expression of anger. In moments of confusion, people can be redirected to change their habits. 

Any comment that reduces tension is sure to be beneficial, but when you deflect, (rather than blaming, using sarcasm, complaining, or giving advice), you can stop a vicious cycle in its tracks by using random acts of kindness to transform the very center of cruelty.

© Daniel W. Trathen, PhD