How Far is Your Septic Tank from Your Well?

Country living has its pluses and minuses.  I enjoy the quiet, serene views and the soft sounds of nature at night.  I enjoy not being so close to our neighbors that when I sneeze, they say “God Bless You”.  Our first home in the country came complete with several of these pluses and a septic tank and a well.  The house had been around for a couple of decades, was in good condition and passed the housing inspection before we purchased it.  One spring day I caught a whiff of the breeze blowing in from the back.  It had a familiar smell of what my parents coined “sewer gas”.  The odor quickly subsided, and I gave it a “no never mind”.  Several days later, the odor returned accompanied with a pool of liquid covering the septic tank lid.  Shortly after this it subsided, and the odor also disappeared.  You can image my shock when a few weeks later I flushed the toilet, and it came up in the bathtub.  This was especially distressing as we had grown accustomed to bathing in clean water!  We had what was called a “point well” that was 25 feet deep and we were concerned that the septic system had backed into the well and made it toxic.  Unfortunately, this is a similar process to what happens to many marriages.  Problems occur that do not get resolved and they store up and infect the good aspects of a relationship.  What we may not realize until it happens is that unresolved anger can lead to resentment which can subsequently lead to bitterness.  The progression can be a slow one until one day it infects our perceptions of one another and the life giving “well” of our marriage becomes polluted.  What are the signs that your marriage suffers from these types of problems?

The first symptom is character assassination and occurs when we call each other names, blame each other, or judge one another.  These issues become evident through using labels like “you’re just like your father or mother... you always say things are going to get better... you never give me compliments.”  These can be strong forms of invalidation that question our integrity and character.  Statements like “you’re a slob” rather than “It bothers me when you throw your socks on the floor at night and do not pick them up” only leads to further anger and defensiveness.  Statements like this assume that our partner has a character flaw rather than a problem behavior.  

The second symptom is catastrophic interpretation or making a mountain out of a mole hill.  The behavior pattern of the other is so frustrating that we see no hope of them changing and we say something like, “you never help around the house... you never initiate asking me out on a date, I always have to do all the planning... you always want to spend time with your friends, but never want to spend time with me.”  Another such statement to a credit card bill may be, “we’ll never get out of debt now!”  Communication between couples at this level is loaded emotionally and is likely to lead to more escalation and quarreling.

The third symptom is blaming.  A married couple is a team and even though some problems in marriage are due to one or the other of us, we each have responsibility in the marital problems we face.  For instance, it is well documented that women tend to pursue their partner for a resolution in an argument and men tend to withdraw in relationship conflicts.  This “dance” can be very frustrated and exasperating as it leads to blaming each other.  The man might see his “pursuing” partner as “nagging” while the woman might blame her husband as “indifferent and uncaring” in the relationship.

When symptoms like these occur and we begin getting an odor or sense our relationship is overflowing with the “negative” it is time to find a better way to express our concerns.  All couples need to be able to protect their relationship from the “negative” and express concerns and issues constructively.  Here are a few suggestions in protecting the “well” of marriage.  Be respectful and polite with each other.  It is sad, but true that  we are least polite with those we know best.  Being respectful is an attitude that chooses to keep a helpful perspective even in frustration.  Give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Seek to keep in mind the bigger picture of your relationship and what you do appreciate about each other.  Be specific.  Discuss specific behaviors or problems you see otherwise, how will your partner know want you want?  Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind even though you have been married several years and you assume that they “should” know what you like or want.  Finally, mention how you specifically feel about the problem (sad, mad, glad, happy, depressed, anxious, tense, irritable, frustrated, angry, furious, etc.).

When our septic’s overflow in marriage we have a choice.  Either we call on the services of the “honey wagon” to clean them out monthly or we decide to do some things differently and change the way we communicate and seek to protect our relationship from the “negative patterns”.  How far is your septic tank from your well?  We have strict city and county codes that tell us about our homes, but we are the ones who must abide by and enforce our own relationship codes to protect the life giving “well waters” of our marriages.

© Daniel Trathen, PhD