How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you decide to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

Anger is a toxic emotion that comes from being hurt. When anger and bitterness consume you, it hurts you at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It’s poison; these feelings can eat you up inside if they are unresolved. You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you by keeping these poisonous feelings alive or to let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold forgiveness, think about who is hurting. You may find that the person filled with anger and anxiety is you, not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember what hurt you. The bitter experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. Learning from it while letting go of the painful feelings is essential.

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not excusing their behavior or permitting it to be repeated or continued.

When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. That is for you to decide. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from them.

Forgiveness can only take place because we can make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use whenever we wish. We have the option to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either.

Steps to Forgiveness

The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

1.  Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down because it hurts to feel them. In the long run, denying these feelings only causes you more pain and prolongs the hurt.

2.  Express your feelings constructively. No matter how badly someone treats you or how angry you are, it is never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral third party to talk to until you feel calmer about the person who hurt you.

3.  Depending on the situation, the person who hurt you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is vital to protect yourself from being harmed again.

4.  At some point, you will see that you are harming yourself by holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can occupy your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You may feel physically ill. Your body is telling you it is time to stop hurting.

5.  Be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Doing so will help you develop compassion, which will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person. Use their words to explain the hurtful things done to you. Doing this removes you from the victim role and helps you restore your power.

6.  It is not necessary to know why the hurtful behavior happened. Even if you learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better. The person who harmed you may not be sure why they did it either.

7.  Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t blame yourself; instead, forgive yourself for your role.

8.  Recall a time when you caused harm to another person, and that person forgave you. Remember what it was like to feel the guilt. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.

9.  Make a list of the actions you need to forgive. Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what happened as objectively as possible.

10.  List the positive aspects of your relationship with the person who hurt you. There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have participated. Being positive helps you regain perspective and not paint the picture entirely negatively.

11.  Write a letter to the person who harmed you. This letter is for healing; you do not need to mail it. Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings, both positive and negative.

12.  If you have decided to end your relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter and the list or visualize some kind of ending.

13.  Sometimes, the person you need to forgive is you. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you make a mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

14.  Make the forgiveness tangible. You may send a letter to the person you are forgiving or tell a trusted friend what you have done.

Once you have let go of the pain and released yourself from past hurts, you will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Now you can move on with your life without bitterness and resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.

© Daniel W. Trathen Ph.D.