Mental Filters in Marriage Communication

I know when it is time to change our furnace filter. I begin to sneeze when the heat comes on. We are told to change these filters every month or so, but I confess that I get busy and forget. Likewise, the automotive industry recommends we change the oil filter in our car every three months or three thousand miles. Both manufacturers suggest that regular maintenance will save money and lengthen their product’s life. Whether this is true or not, the principles of prevention are important in all areas of life. Seeking to understand each other is important for marriage maintenance. When it doesn’t happen, it may be because of mental filters. Dirty filters are whatever clogs clear marriage communication. Let’s take a look at three types of mental filters in marriage.

The first is Inattention. Many of us may have heard our partner say or have said to them, “Are you listening to me?” Inattention is an obstacle to clear communication. Other examples of inattention are too much noise in the room, preoccupation, or being too tired to communicate. When we are aware of these complications in communication, we need to tell our partner and discuss another time to talk rather than just trying to fake it.

The second filter is Emotional States and Reactions. What mood are you in right now? It will affect how well you are paying attention to what you are reading. When we are tired, we are not at our best, and our listening and communication skills may not be as sharp as when we are more rested. Research shows that we give others more or less the benefit of the doubt depending on how good of a mood we are in. If we are angry, sad, or depressed, we may find our filter more clogged and keep us from clear communication. 

The third filter is Beliefs and Expectations. We may believe that someone means to hurt us if they raise their voice, or we may believe that silence during an argument means the other person does not care. Many times the partner who is persistent in seeking to resolve disagreements is viewed as “nagging,” and the one who withdraws from conflict is labeled as “not caring”. Research shows that we have an incredible propensity to see in others what we think we will see. Furthermore, people tend to behave the way we expect them to because we influence their behavior, not just ours. Such negative interpretations can be very destructive when we expect the worst from each other.

Clear communication is experienced best through clean filters. Sometimes it takes professional help to assist in cleaning out and changing the filters in marriage. 

© Dr. Dan Trathen