The Erosion of Marriage

Everything these days is being blamed on the weather. The other day I heard a couple blaming their marriage problems on the frequent forest fires hitting the Southwest. I'm sure that the erosion of their marriage didn't just happen overnight. Undoubtedly, it took years of rain, wind, and dry conditions to shake the foundation of their relationship. How is it that we allow the storms of life to overpower us to the point that we continue eroding? At least three negative patterns contribute to the erosion of marriage.

The first is to expect the impossible. We expect our partner to like what we like, like every person we like, and enjoy all the same activities we enjoy. We expect that we will never again feel lonely once we are married. We expect our spouse always to understand our feelings and moods. We expect that every time we want sex, our mate should respond.

The second is to hinder communication. We become masters at negatively interpreting what our spouse is saying. We overreact and escalate. We criticize our partner, are defensive, and turn the problem back on them. We may be seeking to shame our spouse into feeling they shouldn't feel that way. Or we walk out of the room when they are talking and communicate nonverbally with facial expressions and gestures. 

The third is to obstruct problem-solving. We pick inconvenient times to discuss problems. We bring up more than one issue until the initial conflict gets lost in the shuffle and we get so angry that we become stubborn and refuse to resolve or compromise. We make up our mind that our way of handling the situation is the only acceptable one. We sidetrack the discussion by getting angry, crying, personalizing, or blaming, or even leaving the discussion up in the air by saying, "we'll see, maybe, I don't want to talk about it, etc.," and then never come back to discussing it until it gets thrown into the next argument. 

By themselves, these signs of erosion can cause tremendous damage in a relationship. However, they rarely manifest themselves one at a time. Many couples experience several of these patterns daily and they become huge storms in their relationship, causing further erosion and distress. What may seem like a sudden mudslide is only the result of years of these negative patterns of relating. It doesn't take many years before the foundation of marriage is damaged and needs major repair. If, after reading this column you find your relationship suffering from at least one of these erosive patterns, you may be experiencing marital problems and need solutions to help weather these storms.

 Dan Trathen Ph.D.